The Weirdest Moments in Bible

Posted on 06/20/2012
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To face the fact, the Bible has a lot of moments where you will stop and ask if this was really necessary. If this is truly a work of God, one question should be made. Is God a good guy or just someone seeking for attention and love? It is like God is one really desperate for attention and love guy, with lots of issues. Show me that you love, and never it is good enough, show me more. Kill your children in order to prove your love, whatever you do-do it for me. I will show you my love or maybe not. God looks like that kind of guy in Bible. One vengeful and not always rightful man, or better to say God. You should always be in fear of him. There are lot of logicality, but after didn't Tertullian said: " I believe because it is absurd"? Believe against all reason, to believe things that rational thought tells us are just unreasonable, and to thereby have faith in God. Believe it or not, but here are some of the stories which moral of the story is not easy to read. One of the most bizarre story in the Bible is for sure the one about Jacob and the case of the magical genetics (Genesis 30:37-39).

1. Jacob beats genetics

Basically, the story goes like this: Laban is taking all of Jacob’s beloved striped and spotted cattle. Jacob is left with boring old, plain-coloured cattle, which he doesn’t seem to like at all. So Jacob concocts a cunning plan: he gets some sticks and begins painting stripes on them. He then plants them next to his cattle. What Jacob thinks is that if he gets his cattle to look at the striped sticks while copulating, then they will give birth to striped young. Now, we’d all expect this idiotic plan to fail and Jacob to learn a lesson about something or other, but no it actually works. The cattle give birth to striped young, and Jacob is happy. Now, what is this all about? What is the moral of the story and why is this told?

2. Balaam talking about some philosophy with his donkey

Another weird enough story is about Balaam and his talking donkey (Numbers 22:28-30). Balaam is just minding his own business, beating his donkey, when suddenly he hears a voice. It’s his donkey who is asking him why he is spanking him. Balaam doesn’t seem the least bit miffed that his donkey has starting talking in the same language as him and says, “Because thou hast mocked me.” The donkey then gets philosophical and explains the nature of their relationship and how his feelings have been hurt. Eventually they make peace. Don't beat animals, because you will end up listening to donkey philosophy!

3. Moses sees the best of God

When appearing for the first time, you want to make the best impression. It is just like taking photos. You will always turn your best side. God also wants to make a good impression, so he is showing his best side. It looks like God is very proud of his backside. (Exodus 33:23)

It is the day when Moses is about to meet God for the first time. You know, God is about to appear in all his glory in front of Moses. Soon the time comes and Moses positions himself on a rock ready to see the divine creator himself. But God backs out at the last minute claiming that no man can see his face and live. However, he has a solution. He will let Moses have a peek at his backside, “And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.” This was not something Moses expected, but hey, what the hell, he saw the best of God (in God's opinion).

4. Jesus burns the fig tree

In this story we see that people are not by themselves when they are hungry. Jesus is not an exception.(Matthew 21:19; Mark 11:13-14)

Jesus is walking from Bethany and he’s feeling hungry. He encounters a fig tree, but unfortunately it is barren as it’s the off season for figs. Annoyed, Jesus demands the fig tree bear him fruit, however the fig tree doesn’t respond (it’s a tree), so Jesus, in an act of uncharacteristic rashness, curses the fig tree to death. This story is bizarre for many reasons, but mainly for how little it means to the Jesus story and how Jesus seems to react so harshly.

5. God is trying to kill Moses

God is never pleased with what you do, even if you are Moses! (Exodus 4:24-26)

God finds out that Moses's son is circumcised. He gets very mad at him and tries to kill him. God is about to obliterate Moses when his wife Zipporah takes out a flint and quickly cuts the foreskin of his son (ouch), throwing the bloody skin fragment at Moses’ feet. “You are a bloody husband to me!” squeals Zipporah, flint in one hand, child in other. God, clearly freaked out by this woman, backs off and Moses is saved.

6. David is doing everything for love

Before Romeo and Juliet story a true Biblical romance happened. Young David fell in love with Michal. (1 Kings 18:25-27) David desperately wants to marry Saul’s daughter Michal and offers Saul anything he wants to let him marry her. Michal's father Saul wants something really odd. He doesn't want money, gold or anything like that. Saul wants foreskins! He wants 100 of them! Seems legit. David in the name of love goes and kills 200 people to bring foreskins to father of his heart's desire. He just realizes to late that this guy asked for 100 and not 200, but you know the word, more that merrier and of course he gets her hand!

7. Purpose of this horrible story is unknown

Utterly bizarre story with no moral at all, or I just hope there is no moral at all. (Judges 19:22-30)

A man and his concubine are wandering the streets when they decide to seek shelter for the night, and find a man kind enough to let them stay. That night however, a group of men turn up at the door and demand to see the guest so that they may have sex with him. The owner is unwilling to let his male lodger be raped and so offers up his virgin daughter instead. However, this is still not good enough for the men, so the owner offers them his guest’s concubine and the men accept. The men brutally rape the woman and leave her on the doorstep where she bleeds to death. If that is not enough, when she is found by her husband, he chops her up into twelve pieces which he sends to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.

8. In the words of Monty Python, “Every sperm is sacred…”

No sperm shred and no birth control or the God will kill you. (Genesis 38:8-10)

Onan was given a duty to have sex with his late brother's wife. Onan is a bit apprehensive at first, but agrees to go through with this bizarre scheme to create a ‘true heir’ to Er. But in the last moment Onan decides to pull out and spill “his seed upon the ground.” God is so irked he decides to kill Onan too, and thus nobody gets an heir.

9. The only left-handed person in Bible

Sneaky assassin is delivering a "message from the God". (Judges 3:21-25)

Ehud is on a mission to deliver a “message from God” to smarmy King Eglon. I don't know if for the left-handed stuff or because the King was fat but killing him was not a walk through the park. He pulls out a sword and stabs Eglon in the stomach. At first he can’t get it in, but he pushes harder and eventually reaches his intestine.

10. Eliajh- Man cursed with baldness

Never make fun of bald people, bad things can happen. (4 Kings 2:23-24)

One day he was minding his own business, making the long walk to Bethel, when he is attacked by a roving band of children who tease him with names like “bald head.” But Elijah was having none of this, he turns round and curses them in the name of the Lord, and instantly two female bears emerge from a nearby wood and maul all 42 children to death.

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