Things That Ghosts Spend Their Time Doing (As Taught by Hollywood)

Posted on 08/19/2010
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Recently I examined how Hollywood can help us survive an alien invasion (here). This got me thinking that Hollywood could perhaps help us in other paranormal fields as well. So I began a case study looking at what the entertainment industry could teach us about the elusive behavior of ghosts. My results were surprising to say the least. Here are the things that ghost spend their time doing as taught by Hollywood.

Not Knowing They Are Dead

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“Yippee-ki-wait, what? I’m an F’n ghost?”

I suppose when you die it is inevitable that some of your brain also goes, as ghosts always seem to forget dying and becoming ghosts. You would think that this would be one of those important life moments seeing as it only happens once, but apparently dying is not any big deal at all. It is forgivable I suppose when Bruce Willis forgets he is a ghost, I mean that guy has been shot like 800 times.

Nicole Kidman has no excuse for forgetting she is a ghost like she did in (spoiler alert!) The Others. I wonder if her career knows its dead…

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…Wow she looks angry. I take back my zinger.

Committing Violent Crimes

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Ghosts are pretty frightening, but it does not help matters when they are also going on a violent crime spree, in fact it makes matters worse. Something about getting killed must really put a bad taste in ghosts’ mouth or maybe it is their decaying tongue causing the bad taste, either way if there is anything that Hollywood has shown us it is that ghosts have a passion for murder, kidnapping, and rape. There are countless movies that depict ghosts killing people and Poltergeist has the same basic plot of the Mel Gibson kidnapping movie Ransom. The only difference is that Poltergeist is less racist because it doesn’t have Mel Gibson in it.

And who can forget the terrifying movie The Entity, which is about a rape-ghost. There will be no joke here, as rape-ghosts are a serious subject matter.

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Take that back, begin raped by a lightening bolt is just silly.

Being Romantic

Along with being psychopaths, Hollywood has taught us that ghosts are incredibly romantic. They like to do things like get their wives involved in a money laundering scheme (Ghost), sabotage their loved one’s new relationship (Ghost Town), and reminisce about pottery (also Ghost) which all actually sound like pretty crappy things to do, but when you do those things from beyond the grave it somehow makes it romantic.

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On a creepy side note: Demi Moore looks like Ashton Kutcher in that movie.

Solving Mysteries

As it turns out ghosts are less efficient at solving mysteries than Daffney from Scooby Doo and the Los Angeles police department combined.

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-Pictured: The LA Police Department

Ghosts usually try and lead a person to their killers by giving them clues in the form of incoherent visions and killing their friends, because that’s what you do when you want someone to help you. This is followed by one vivid vision that the person receives where she witnesses how the ghosts were originally killed. What I don’t understand is why can’t the ghost simply avoid scaring the crap out of the person and murdering the person’s friends by giving them the complete vision of their murder first? I guess Ghosts are really crappy detectives and I suppose that it would also probably take less than 90 minuets for a ghost to do that or in the case of Peter Jackson’s The Lovely Bones it takes 136 minutes for a ghost to solve her own murder and there isn’t even one freaking hobbit!

Crawling Around

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It seems that recently ghosts, for one reason or another, have lost their ability to walk. I mean I clearly see her legs in that picture, why isn’t she using them? Is she paraplegic? If she is then the crawling is more understandable because those stairs are not wheel chair accessible, and she had to get down there some how so she could terrify Sarah Michelle Gellar.

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It Makes Sense why she’s crawling; she has a television for legs

Ghosts can teleport, walk through walls, or just walk, all of these seem to be more efficient than crawling and yet ghosts are constantly down on all fours roaming about. Why do they use the same transportation method as babies with developing brains? Do you digress in mental capacity when you become a ghost? I hope a mediocre Hollywood remake of an Asian horror movie will answer these questions in the near future.

Growing Their Hair Out

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Ghosts seem to love big, long hair. In fact, ghosts love for long hair seems to be only matched by one other group of people and that’s 80s metal bands.

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This new trend seemed to start over in Asia where every ghost in every movie since the late 90s has long hair that creepily shrouds their face. This look was then mimicked by Hollywood when they ran out of original ideas. Now ghost-fashion dictates that you must have long hair in order to be frightening.

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Seriously?

Examining ghosts’ behavior in the world of Hollywood has taught me many things. For one the best way to capture a ghost on film would be to use a camera that is possessed by a ghost, and if you want to see a ghost you don’t need to visit a graveyard or a haunted house you simply have to watch a cursed videocassette tape. Yes, by analyzing the behavior of the ghosts of Hollywood movies my knowledge of the paranormal has strengthened greatly.

Author: Jonathan Kaulay Copyrighted © paranormalhaze.com
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